Fun And Games Off Duty · Fun With Suits! · Pains in my Fifth Point of Contact

Insurance Companies and Purgatory

So, over the holidays, we were at a family gathering when TDW-Mark II’s niece (an adult) departed to go home.

Shortly thereafter she returned to inform us that, due to the poor lighting and TDW-Mark II’s petite vehicle, she, the niece, had inadvertently struck my wife’s vehicle, leaving a dent.

BFD, bent metal, no bent people, all good.

So, we went to our insurance company in order to get the bent sheet metal, unbent. We could, indeed, have our insurance pay for it, since our vehicle was parked, BUT!, we’d have a chargeable accident and likely would see our insurance premiums rise. From the currently affordable, reasonable, “Give us all the money and nobody has to get hurt!” levels we currently enjoy, that is.

THAT sounds attractive!

Or, our niece’s insurance company could foot the bill.

The niece made her report to her insurer, and shortly thereafter I had a conversation with one of their genius, script reading (Thanks, Beans on June 3 ’19), slack jawed, pompous personnel.

It seems that, let us call it “County Garden Auto Insurance”, requires that you take your broken vehicle to one of their adjusters for an estimate. In this area, the freaking capitol of the freaking Un-Named Midwestern State, the (insert pejorative here) adjuster only works freaking Wednesdays, and, into the bargain, Young Ms. Mensa informed me that, since mine is the name on the title, well, I would have to show my happy hairy ass up with the bent vehicle for the estimate.

Well, ya know, I work Wednesdays. 12 hours. Days. I told Ms. Mensa as much. “Ma’am, I will not be attending this estimate. I’m working, my wife will be there acting as my agent.”

“Reltney”, she replied (and, as an aside, I had been previously unaware that she and I were quite that chummy), “You have to be there, since the vehicle in titled in your name.”

“Well, Ma’am, I’ll be working, and so my wife will be there with the vehicle.”

“Reltney, you have to be there!”

“Ma’am, I will not be there. My wife will be acting as my agent.”

“Reltney, you have to be there for the estimate!”

“Ma’am, perhaps you should write this down. My wife will be there, I will not. She will act as my agent, and I will be working.”

“Reltney, if you are going to be hostile, I cannot continue to talk to you. I’m simply trying to tell you how this process goes.”

“That’s fine. So, tell me my options.”

“Sir, it you are going to be hostile, you will have to talk to another agent!”

(My thought, at that point, was along the lines of, “Sugar, if you think that I have been hostile, you really, really have a severe poverty of life experience, that, should you desire, I can remedy!” A thought that went unspoken.)

“Ma’am, I thought you were going to tell me what my options would be? I’m waiting for that information.”

“Please hold!”

(lengthy hold)

“Reltney, your wife can meet with our estimator, but we cannot hand her the check. Can we mail it to you, or to your selected body shop?”

“That will be satisfactory. Mail it to the shop.”

“So, Reltney, what arrangements would you like to make for a rental?”

“Ma’am, we have made satisfactory arrangements for a loaner with our body shop. I suggest that you phone them, and have that conversation with them.”

“I do not understand what you just said, Reltney.”

“Call my shop, you have the name. Talk to Bob. Tell him what you just told me about a rental. Make whatever arrangements you wish with Bob about a rental. Bob will fill me in. “

“Reltney, I do not understand that, but I will notate it in our file.”

(Correctly, I hope, but do not trust…)

“Outstanding. Anything else?”

“No, Reltney, have a nice day.”

And the call ended.

Perhaps, the anticipated cluster…er, hug (HUG! Yeah, THAT’S the ticket!) will provide fodder for a subsequent blog post.

My take home lesson, here, is that there are jobs for the dull witted, and I am fated to spend my time corresponding with them.

Damn it!


5 thoughts on “Insurance Companies and Purgatory

  1. You thought you could easily go through life without being molested by incompetence and dull wittery? (wittery I just made up)


  2. You DARE Challenge the power of the WRITTEN SCRIPT WHICH MUST BE FOLLOWED?

    Fooooooolish. Fooooooooolish mortal.


    Seriously. There is no customer service anymore that isn’t script/menu driven, and the readers are either 1.) Not based in the Good Old USA. 2.) Not native-speaking/reading people. 3.) Prisoners working for $1.00 an hour (and who are secretly copying your info.) 4.) Just plain friggin idiots. or… 5.) All of the Above, with extra special goodness in that you’ll never ever be able to talk to Tier II Customer Service, or someone who can actually help you. You’ll be funneled through some lackwitted, slackjawed, non-Engrish speaking mutant prisoner who will relay your carefully worded answers to their questions and all instructions to them by basically tossing it all into a blender, throwing the mixture onto a board, rolling it flat and then trying to make sense of the resulting barf-bundle.

    I did customer service. I did excellent customer service (like, oh, telling the guy ordering the same $200.00 bulb to wash his hands and wear the damned gloves before even thinking about touching the bulb (high wattage bulbs will explode explosively when turned on due to differential heat from clean and unclean glass, unclean glass being the greasy lines of a fingerprint. Seriously. You can destroy a theater (play, not movie) by smearing finger grease on a lamp (like Kent did to the laser array on ‘Real Genius.’))(and the explosion is rather startling, and scary as flying chunks of fine glass go everywhere.)

    If you can get USAA, and don’t currently use them, try them. I’ve had no issues at all with them, and you talk to a real, English speaking person with a brain.


    1. “If you can get USAA, and don’t currently use them, try them. I’ve had no issues at all with them, and you talk to a real, English speaking person with a brain”

      Sadly, non vet, ineligible. Yet, the siren song of a real, live, thinking, Engrish speaking (thanks, btw, for THAT!) phone contact…..

      It is to dream!


      1. If your parents qualify, then you may qualify.

        Otherwise, the situation sucks.

        Have had most insurance companies until I finally broke down and jumped on my parent’s coattails. USAA is the only one, property or car, that has actually acted the way the insurance commercials show they are supposed to act.


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